Personal Post

Obese. Worthless. Stupid. Disgusting. Fat. Gross. Unlovable. A bad person.

These are just 8 of the things my sister says to me on a daily basis, there are many more but these seem to be the most used.

Along with the string of abusive words thrown at me each day I have to deal with snide comments about my makeup, hair and blog.

I never provoke this behaviour, quite often my dear sister will just walk into the room and immediately start insulting me, or she’ll wait for me to say something to my mum before unleashing a bunch of unnecessary profanities at me.

 

I’ve written about this before, but now I find myself needing to get it out there again because I can’t hold in all this negative crap thrown my way, I’ll explode if I do.

 

My darling sister honestly believes that she’s not doing anything wrong by behaving this way towards to me, her reasoning for this is that I ‘deserve it’ and ‘it’s true’. Obviously no sane person thinks that way, but when I try explaining that to her she just unleashes more crap my way.

 

Just to be clear.. IT IS NOT OK TO BE A COMPLETE F*CKING ARSEHOLE TOWARDS SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE THEM.

 

One of my sisters new favourite activities is making fun of my blog and undermining everything about it. If there’s a tiny mistake, she’ll try and make me seem stupid for making it, and if there isn’t a mistake she’ll just make one up or make fun of my content. I know I’m not an amazing blogger yet, for petes sake I only started blogging at the end of 2016, it’s a work in progress and it’s something I’ve really enjoyed doing so it fucking sucks to have someone (who’s supposed to support me) constantly making it out to be pure crap. I never asked her to read it, I honestly couldn’t give 2 shits what she thinks, but it’s still horrible hearing those kinds of ‘opinions’. Great, you don’t like it, then don’t read it. It’s that fucking simple.

 

Also, I’m wondering how any of you would feel if day in and day out someone made snide comments and jokes at your expense, laughs at you for seemingly no reason and berates you with vulgar/ harsh language, Oh and occasionally throws in a nice little ‘kill yourself’ comment.

I’m guessing you’d throat punch them right? Yeah, see that’s a totally valid feeling to have after someone behaves like this towards you for a week, let alone 10 years +.

 

She constantly tells me mental illnesses aren’t real and then tells me I’m seriously mentally ill. Constantly undermines everything I do or try.

But then the next day she’s totally fine with me for half an hour before resorting to her usual bitchiness.

 

Apparently she just purely hates the fact that I exist and that’s why she treats me this way…. Not exactly a good enough reason.

 

I’m not delusional, I’m fully aware of what is real around me (of course she will tell you I’m deranged and living in a different reality ), I know it’s real because my whole family and many of my friends have witnessed her behaviour towards me and some of them as well. For a while when I was much younger and this behaviour had just started, I honestly wasn’t sure it was real and it made me extremely depressed not knowing… That was until she started verbally and physically attacking other family members. I suffered for a few years alone with her abuse, didn’t think anyone would believe that my little sister could really be that bad but here we are around 10 years later and everyone knows now, everyone knows she’s an abuser.

 

It took me a long time to admit and accept that I am being abused by a family member, someone who’s supposed to protect, support and love me. It’s something I will probably struggle with my whole life, it makes me feel as if I can’t trust anyone.

 

I spent my entire adolescence running away from her, whether that was by doing drugs and drinking or running off to different towns and cities… I moved to Wales twice because that was the furthest I could run from her. I have spent most of my life running from someone who should have been removed from my life a long time ago.

 

I am appalled and disgusted with a system that has left me with no choice but to live with my abuser, a system that hasn’t taken mine and many other peoples cases seriously, a system that allows a mentally ill person to walk away from treatment when it has been made abundantly clear that that person is a danger to those around her.

 

I’m ashamed that I’ve let her destroy me from the inside out. I’m ashamed to live in a world that doesn’t care about people like me. I’m fucking ashamed because I don’t want to be a victim but that’s exactly what I’ve been turned into.

 

I have no way out, no escape. I can’t get better because she’s still making my daily life hell. I can’t move out because I’m not well enough to work full time and support myself. I’m stuck in an endless loop of failed escape attempts.

 

I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be the girl that’s treated like shit and nothings ever done about it. I don’t want to be the girl who can’t escape her problems. I don’t want this life but I can’t get out of it and that’s the reason all this still hurts.

I thought I’d have learnt to deal with it by now but I haven’t.. Because I shouldn’t have to deal with it in the first place!

I’m a good person. I’m there for my friends, I’m nice to everyone even if they aren’t nice to me, I stay out of peoples way and in general I just try to make people happy so please can someone tell me what I did to deserve this…..

 

 

The Echo. X

 

 

PS. I’m sorry I just had to get that out there…. I’m not coping particularly well with the abuse these days and I’m sick of being ashamed of it so from now on it’s all gonna be out there. I can’t be the only one going through someone like this so please if you have any advice for me then leave it in the comments.

If you need to talk to someone about a situation like this then I am happy to listen and I’ll help if I can..

Also I really don’t give a shit if I made any errors on this post. I’m too angry and upset to care.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s