I’ve been thinking, which probably isn’t a good thing but here we are. I’ve been thinking about my life, where I’ve been, where I’m going and how the hell I’m going to get there. My life has been a continuous series of weird and crappy decisions based around chaos.
I’m 21 in just under 6 months and I’m still living with my mum spending my spare time wrapped up in a blanket binge watching crappy TV shows, the only thing that’s changed is instead of journalling privately about my weird and boring life, I blog about it. Clearly I need to rethink how I’m going about my life.
I have so many plans for the future. I’ve planned out my career, travel plans, lifestyle, everything. What I forgot to plan for, is how to get there, oops. I want so much out of life and spent so long thinking I’d never be able to have those things that I lack the ability to enforce the kind of behaviours that will give me that life. I’ve read all the articles I could possibly find online about forcing new habits upon yourself and self – motivation but none of the tips and advice have helped. Maybe I’m just an enigma, completely unfixable. It’s not a question of outside support, my mum is brilliant in that department. It’s a question of support from myself, I think that some small part of me doesn’t believe I can do it and is trying to save the rest of me from the trauma of another failure in my life. If that’s the case then can someone tell me how to switch that part off? It’s getting in the way.
Most of my previous life decisions have been based on the wrong things, such as love and a skewered idea of how my life should be ( Watching too much TV growing up did not do me any favours). I should have been focusing on getting stronger and remembering the person I was before everything went to shit. Problem is, my memory is fucking terrible *joke laughs*. I’ve been a mess as long as I can remember, but according to my family, I wasn’t always this way. As a child I was full of life, outgoing and happy but I spent most of teen years drunk and sad. Now I’m 20 and I don’t want to be the same girl I was in my teen years, she wasn’t cool, she was just really sad. It sucks that a few bad people can turn a happy, lovely, bright girl into a neurotic mess, unfortunately it happens to the best of us. When you’re bullied at home and at school it doesn’t leave you much space to be happy about yourself and your life and it can leave a huge scar. The kind of scar that later in life messes with your head as you’re trying to figure out how to get rid of that shitty scar and move on, get the life you deserve and want.
I keep looking for some quick fix, someone to just wave a wand and say ‘Hey Bryn, you’re life is going to be perfect, here’s some fairy dust to make it so.’ But that’s not going to happen, I have to fix things for myself I just can’t seem to figure out how to do that.
I think I might just need some reassurance that I’m not the only one totally and completely stuck in life.
The Echo. x